Knowing strength

You never know what you really know until you are put to the test.

There are many things I never thought I would ever know about. Being the wife of an inmate is one of them.

You always dream as a child of what your future might hold. Of marriage and career and children. But you never imagine that one day, your husband would turn to drugs to fight his demons or that he would turn to stealing to support this self medication.

But the biggest thing I never knew is how strong I really was. I have a close friend who has asked me several times, "How do you do it? How do you stay so strong? How do you keep smiling in the midst of everything?"

I really don't know how to answer these questions. Being both mom and dad to our daughters never seemd like it was a choice I made, but one that was made for me. The hand I was dealt. Of course, some may argue that it was of my choosing since I decided to stay.

Some days I don't feel very strong. I would say my faith has kept me strong or at least given me the facade of being strong. But even my faith is shaky at best sometimes.

I would say my children make me strong. And they do give me the strength to persevere, yet...

I think of myself as a survivor. I have survived leukemia. I have survived childhood molestation. I have survived and thrived despite the fact that the cards are stacked against me.

I do not like victims. I do not have patience for people who blame everything that happens on someone or something else. I do not have pity for someone who cannot hold themselves accountable for their actions. And I.WILL.NOT. let anything, take my strength from me.

I don't think strength is being strong or "keeping your chin up". I think strength is courage under fire. Courage is not the lack of fear. It is looking fear in the eye and not backing down. It is not running. It is getting up everyday and just facing it. That's it. Nothing more.

So am I strong? I think so. I am strong on the fact that I make mistakes, but I am a good mother. I am strong in the fact that love is action and not words.  And I am strong in the fact that though my husband is not beside me right now, I know that love never fails.

So I will wait. And sometimes I will be sad and lonely. Sometimes, I will be frustrated and angry. Always, though I know that I am strong. I know that I can do things on my own. After all, I am a survivor. I am strong. And I know now, that I can do anything.